Am I Polyamorous?
Rewriting the rules of love: A journey into the dynamics of polyamorous relationships.
Authored by: Diana James, MA., Licensed Psychotherapist, Blogger
If you are confunded right now around the idea of polyamory being apart of your worldview, then this is probably the right article for you.
For centuries, people have lived with various background influences shaping and molding their beliefs and values around one way of living that is acceptable to the public eye: monogamy. The idea that people should have one lover, one partner, one family, and one love only for the lifespan of one human being. For many, this works and provides an unencumbered life-long satisfying experience under the approved cultural, societal, and religious pervu. Anything outside of this realm is considered unorthodox! But for those who are not satisfied, who yearn for more love with multiple partners, to meet a specific need or want sexually, intimately, or intellectually, who want to engage in consensual non-monogamy, we have been taught that this is radically unacceptable, taboo, and absolutely bizarre in the western cultural realm! How dare love and connection be unstructured and liberated from this worldview, more specifically, let’s call it a sin! OR, How about we don’t? What exactly is so offensive about being able to love who you want, when you want, & how you want?
Let’s take a minute and digest that slice of pie!
Delving in, perhaps we can talk briefly about the cultural and religious acknowledgements of polyamory and the different influences that have contorted the expansions of this idea of free love and sexual liberations. Over the coarse of our civilization, polyamory wasn’t always addressed by this term but has changed throughout many divisions of our world and imperatively emerged with the term “polyamory” in the 1990’s to reference many phrased versions of this term such as ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, open marriage, group marriage, swinging, and much more.. Polyamory began to solidify it’s intended contextual appearance as societal attitudes mixed in with the sexual revolution and counter culture movements re-examined social norms, including critiquing monogamy. The idea of free love and open relationships gained more popularity in the 20th century, shifting some people’s values farther and farther away from monogamous relationship configurations.
Of course, religious influences do play a rather large part of this contention between open marriage styles and closed with a coined forbiddance of sexual freedom— for women. Psychology Today article, “Religious Attitudes Towards Polyamory” by Dr. Elizabeth Sheff, PhD. CSE, indicates “The Big Three” theological institutes, Christianity, Islam, Judaism mandates the conception of heterosexuality inside a closed marriage, in part to promote encouragement for family expansion. Mainly, Christianity but all three adhere to the suspicions of sexual pleasure, heteronormative relationships, and discourage any activity that is contraindicated to this framework. Subsequently to premise and sustain the tenet for women’s requirement to lose one’s virginity within the confinement of marriage and honor sexual fidelity throughout its entirety. The most liberal of the convections of religious views is called Unitarian Universalism, which is inclusive to the celebrations of all gender and sexual diversities. The religious assemblies most coined for it’s openly acknowledged demographic of exprressive freedoms are Buddhism, Paganism, and Quodoushka, a native american spiritual tenets, and categorically a form of sacred sexuality.. There are several other religious venues that practice openly, however, these were seen to be more apparently recognized. They are connect to the Unitarian Universalism tenets of freedom, honesty, and integrity, values that are also closely allied to polamory.
Despite us living in a generation where polyamory is becoming more and more supported, there are still many antiquated systems that seem to fall behind on progressive movements. Such as the legal system. Though polyamory is more widely as well as openly accepted, many couples, thruples, and family configurations are still bordered with difficulties navigating topics such as custody agreements, inheritances, and marriage. This makes it really difficult in merging and creations of new family configurations due to the hindrances in these types of legal issues still set up to support ethical monogamy families. So when navigating these issues, it’s important to consult an affirming family lawyer to navigate the legal grey areas if possible.
Throughout the emergence of the word polyamory during the 1990’s, a paradigm shift that did wonders to bring the community together, to connect and achieve more togetherness, share common interests or visions, and create stronger encouragement of the polyamory culture was the development of technology and its advancements. More specifically, the internet! From internet chatrooms to social media dating apps, people are able to find others with similar desires, wants, and needs faster than ever before! Making it easier to find people who want to also live with sexual and intimate freedoms of expression. To live how you want, love whoever you want, and to be connected with more people faster allows the bursting of sexual pleasure and just pure joy as a contagion!
As mentioned before, the conglomeration of culture, societal attitudes, and religious entities in the Westernized United States has crafted and influenced a more recent (in the past 20-30 years) movement pushing back on the oppression of sexual expression as well as hierarchical constructions of family systems, melting into the pot of diversity and liberations. So what does it mean for you and the exploration of another identity?
Well, perhaps it depends greatly on your lived experiences, both past, present, and future and is molded into your families values, religious upbringing, and beliefs within what is taught from generation to generation. All of these connections and links are considered within your decision making. When people think of polyamory, there seems to be a very sharp divide between those that are completely against this type of sexual and intimate freedom of love compared to those that fully embrace it and are accepting (i.e. safe people to have when ready to express your identity.) So what exactly can you do in order to make the most informed decision about being polyamorous?
Here are a few things to consider as you venture into your most authentic self:
Self-Reflection: Take the time to reflect on your own beliefs, values, importances, surrounding your rendition of how you imagine a relationship should be like. Getting connected and closer to this vision helps to lay the foundation to achieving your polyamorous goals and mindset. Each relationship style is not the same and may look differently dependent on your vision.
Communication styles: Strong communication is OH, SO important in a polyamorous relationship. There is nothing like feeling unheard, misunderstood, or unaware of the intentions of others and quite frankly, people CAN NOT guess what is on the other person’s mind. If in a deep seated conflict with yourself, let your partners know. If you are wanting something, having fear of missing out (FOMO), feeling emotionally tender about something, it is your responsibility to convey this. Likewise, they should also show you the same candor. Otherwise, everyone is going to be left in the dark. Assess your ability to express your feelings, listen actively, and navigate potentially challenging discussions with multiple partners.
Reflect on Jealousy: There are many different reasons why jealousy surfaces in a polyamorous relationship such as fear of abandonment, FOMO, insecurity, & comparisons to others, Reflecting and understanding the sources of this emotion is essential to learning how to cope with it in a healthy way.
Motivations and Expectations: What exactly are you hoping to achieve in a polyamorous relationship? Are you wanting to build a chosen family, or perhaps, fulfill a specific need such as an emotional and sexual connection with someone? Reflect on your inner motivations and clarify what ethical non-monogamy will bring in to your life.
Ethical Considerations: Consider the ethical implications of polyamorous relationships. Are you committed to practicing consensual non-monogamy with honesty, transparency, and respect for all parties involved?
Research and Education: Learn more about polyamory by reading books, articles, and forums where people share their experiences. Understanding the dynamics, challenges, and joys of polyamorous relationships can help inform your decision.
Community Engagement: Engage with the polyamorous community, either online or locally. Connecting with others who share similar relationship structures can provide valuable insights, support, and guidance.
Professional Guidance & Support: Seek the guidance of relationship therapists or counselors who specialize in non-traditional relationship structures. They can provide personalized advice and support.
As you continue through your journey into self-exploration and expressive freedoms consider the above as a bucket list of check marks to help be your guide. Ultimately, you know exactly what the answer is, but working through the emotional complexities and gaining more insight will help you become more comfortable tapping into your own unencumbered love webs.
Diana James, LPC-Associate, supervised by Shawna Munson, LPC-S
LGBTQIA+ & Polyamory Trauma Therapist specializing in relationship connections & abuse, identity issues.
Source: Sheff, E. (2014, January 30). Religious attitudes towards polyamory | psychology Today. Religious Attitudes Towards Polyamory. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/religious-attitudes-towards-polyamory
